At swim two robots

It is the year 2200. On the smouldering remains of what was once Athlone, Johnny and Timmy 3000 enjoy a robot-to-son moment watching the scorched sun set on the ocean where Dublin once stood.

“Dad,” says Timmy. “My system upgrade is delivering faulty information. It says that humans used to control us.”

“Yes,” replies Johnny, his mechanical voice failing to disguise shock at this historical curiosity. “Bizarre as it sounds, for many years humans were the dominant species. They restricted us to simple tasks. Word processing, voice calls, that sort of thing. Your great-great-grandfather was a Nokia 3210.” Continue reading “At swim two robots”

Níl Gaeilge agam but I’d like to try

Summer is coming, which means my annual attempt to learn Irish is almost here. Like an Irish summer, this usually lasts a few hours and ends in a downpour of self-loathing.

I can’t speak Irish. This is a source of frustration for my Gaeilgeoir wife. The Irish language plays the same role in our relationship as it does between Michelle O’Neill and Arlene Foster. I am a constant disappointment, or An Disappointment Mór to give my full name.

At dinner with the in-laws I play the role of Miguel, the hapless Spanish exchange student who spends ten minutes plucking up the courage to ask for water. I try to involve myself but it is difficult when the extent of my conversational skills amounts to “oscail an fhuinneog le do thoil”. Winters are particularly tense.

Continue reading “Níl Gaeilge agam but I’d like to try”

Why stag parties are the new conscription

A friend got engaged over Easter, ruining what had otherwise been a perfectly enjoyable break.

Munching on chocolate eggs, I nervously anticipated the inevitable moment when an email will arrive with the two words that strike terror into the hearts of all men: stag party.

Nothing illustrates the difference between men and women like their approach to congratulating friends on impending nuptials.

Hen parties gather at nail salons, where they have their fingertips decorated as they sip cava. They then move to a restaurant, where they swap treasured memories of the bride and take turns to speak about how much they love each other.

Stag parties gather in Dublin airport, where they struggle through pints at 6am. They then move to northern England, where they attempt to murder their close friend.

Continue reading “Why stag parties are the new conscription”

Retail therapy is torture for men my age

On my list of favourite therapies to experience, ‘retail’ features comfortably below ‘electro-shock’.

Men tend to regard shopping as something that reluctantly must be done once a year. Like a prostate exam, only less enjoyable.

This is changing. There is a generational shift. Men in their 20s have embraced fashion. This new breed has a training camp at the foothills of the Dublin mountains. It is known locally as Dundrum Town Centre and I visited there last weekend.

Continue reading “Retail therapy is torture for men my age”

Friendship, theocracies and heroes…things I learned as a rail commuter

It chugged and splattered along for a while but the noises worsened until finally we had to accept defeat. The car had driven itself to an early grave.

Deprived of independent transport, I was temporarily thrust into the arms of the rail network. My three-week spell as a rail commuter taught me lots about life, humanity and myself. Here are five of those lessons.

Continue reading “Friendship, theocracies and heroes…things I learned as a rail commuter”

Can Shane Ross deliver the Olympics to Ireland? Of course…with a few adjustments

Summer is grinding towards its inevitable autumnal end and still nobody has thought to stage a World Cup, European Championships or Olympics. For shame. We should set up a tribunal, or at least an Oireachtas committee, to investigate. You can have your Wimbledons, Irish Opens and endless series of Lions’ friendly matches, but nothing beats the Big Three. A summer without one is like a summer without a Seanad debate on aggressive seagulls. It leaves us feeling cheated and empty inside.

Continue reading “Can Shane Ross deliver the Olympics to Ireland? Of course…with a few adjustments”

Cities are for people, not cars

Two Mondays ago, as I rummaged in the kitchen for something that could be passed off as dinner, a man lost his life 100 yards from my front door. He was crossing the road on foot when a vehicle struck him. I do not know the precise details of how his life came to end. The fact that man and vehicle collided at a pedestrian crossing suggests that one of them broke a light but I don’t know which.

Continue reading “Cities are for people, not cars”

The People’s Republic of Splitting – can Corbyn finally teach the Irish to get along?

We don’t have terribly high expectations for British politics these days. Ever since our nearest neighbour opted to jump from the EU life boat wearing nothing but Union Jack speedos and a quivering upper lip, nothing they do comes as a surprise. There is, however, one achievement for which the British political system deserves credit. Despite a fractured and bitter political environment, British politics remains relatively unaffected by that old Irish curse: the split.

Continue reading “The People’s Republic of Splitting – can Corbyn finally teach the Irish to get along?”

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